I'm out!

Five years, four months, and 13 days after going through those gates I am now out of prison. I know I’ll be back, inmates and staff alike have a high recidivism rate. I’ll at least have to go back in two years in order to keep my NMCA Accreditation. The prison is short one more guard but it’s worse than that. No longer bound by the Hatch Act I can now tell you some stories and situations that are both funny and scary at the same time. These things didn’t necessarily happen at my prison or happen at all and the names have been changed because everyone there knows who they are. If it happened.

My favorite is the story of the Major and the V.P.

The Major wasn’t the tallest person when I first arrived at the Prison only because Captain Brush was 7ft 1in. The Major maybe weighed more but there wasn’t much fat on him, especially for corrections. His Texas Longhorn parents named him Audie Murphy and he did his best to live up to the name.

The V.P. refers to the officer who gets to drive in circles for six hours. Vehicle Patrol drives around a narrow strip of road looking for any breach of security, like a hole in the fence. The road is a bit bigger than a high school track. Who was V.P. at the time is lost to history mainly because there was nothing to differentiate him from many other morons on V.P. I told you these stories were scary. The V.P. is well armed, including a pistol. For some odd reason policy states that the pistol will be in its holster strapped to your side. Most times that pistol is in its holster sitting on the seat next to the officer. It’s more comfortable that way. Problem is sometimes it’s harder to keep track of and that is not good when it comes to a loaded weapon.

Well one fine clear morning the Major is walking down the corridor when an inmate, an inmate mind you, points out the V.P. truck and asks the Major “What’s that black thing on V.P.’s roof?” Major looks but the truck has passed from the narrow view through the barred window. He decides to go out to the rec yard to get a close look. There were around 170 inmates outside and as the Major walked out they all began to laugh. From his new vantage point the Major watched as the V.P. came back into sight. Right on top of the roof right over the driver could be clearly seen a black holster with pistol attached as per policy. Most V.P. officers put it there as they sign over the post paperwork and then place it on the seat. This V.P. had neglected that last crucial step. By the time the Major made his way back to the front to talk to the V.P. he had discovered a new shade of purple. The mentoring that followed between the Major and the V.P. is still talked about by seismologist everywhere.